nocturne

i don’t update this blog anymore. please visit:

http://sweetsherocksherolls.multiply.com/

if you still care

opinion is free. no one can possibly argue with that. and lately, i’ve been abusing this freedom, and i can bet my thumb that i have a point.

yeah, you would think this blog is conceited, rude, or sarcastic. please. THIS IS MY BLOG. if you’re seeking something made out of cotton candies or rainbows, go away. you ain’t gonna find it here, trust me.

case #1.

me and my friend were waiting at the woodley/adam’s morgan metro station when these group of girls sat behind us.

"hey, do you still like this burger?"

"ugggh. thrash it. i’m sooo like, sick of mcdonald’s right now. like, i think i’m getting fat. uh, it disgusts me just like, you know, thinking about that burger."

…

"the world doesn’t care for real." i said, rolling my eyes.

yeah, i got a problem disguising sarcasm while practicing my freedom. i mean, come on now, if people would care, they would know that at least half of the world would trash their dignity just to get a bite of a leftover mcdonald’s burger. yeah, and you would say i’m over reacting, tryna do angelina jolie. sweetie, like i said, go away.

case #2.

"gasgas na picture na pinopost ng mga may SLR sa internets.. hahahah" — one of my friend’s comment on my pic. that’s his opinion.

now, here’s mine.

and i care because…?

does it irk you that i put up another one?

is there a rule that i can’t?

or are you trying to imply something else?

…

people are picking the wrong day to piss me off.

pardon me for losing warmth

i just can’t stand your coldness

forgive me for the silence

everything is just too loud

sorry for the distance

needed the space.

*miss you,

didn’t go to the national zoo, allergies kicked in

leslie said i’ve had too much art galleries when she saw my desktop wallpaper at work — Les Amants by Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte. she said it was scary. i told her that the painting had some story behind it, that the artist’s mother committed suicide at the river and he was present when people retrieved her. he saw his mother’s face obscured by her dress, which reportedly influenced his painting.  i aint sure if it made sense to her, but she said still, im weird. don’t know why she said that, when i just spelled her name out of paper clips.

i think im starting to scare my mom too. i work 5-6 days a week, 12 hours a day, barely home, and when i am, i only stay down here at the basement — which i turned into a studio without permission. and on the day im off, id take lex or take the metro to DC and go art gallery/art stores OD. without permission.

some 2 weeks ago, i decided that imma paint again.  im dead sure it has been a year since i last held a brush. so i went to plaza art in rockville pike to get acrylics and canvas. they got a spring sale going on. $2 for 6 oz tube and 40% off on the canvas? hell yeah! i was so high. i didn’t feel guilty spending my old navy paycheck on them i even took the twins to that store

so for 2 weeks now, im starting to turn into a hermit. the basement, minus the coldness, add cynthia alexander’s rippingyarns — somehow makes my mind work. until, say, 3 am. come on now, i aint that weird

mom, sorry for the phthalo green paint on the carpet down here.

*rene magritte rocks!

starbucks

bethesda

| 05/09/08 | 17:46h

*naghihintay sa art walk*

hindi ko alam bakit nangyari pa,

e wala naman yatang silbi

hindi ko alam bakit hanggang ngayon tinitignan ko pa

e wala na naman kwenta

nabangasan ang araw, hindi kaaya-aya

naiinis na nga, tinatanong pa

sana lang…

pero hindi yata talaga.

kailangan ko ng puting pintura.

***

*hindi naman ako nahirapan magmaneho papunta sa lugar ng art walk. pero sumakit ulo ko sa paghahanap ng parking na matino at sa biglaang lamig. pero nakakamangha sa bethesda, parang nasa ibang dimensyon. napakape tuloy ako sa sobrang galak.*

*SALUDO AKO. libreng tour sa 7 art galleries ba naman. namimigay pa sila ng wine, crackers at keso. para akong batang iniwan sa toy kingdom! may bonus pang mga vintage store at flea market. sobrang astig kaya punta ulit ako sa susunod na buwan. subukan ko mag-upload ng mga putograps.*

*may nagtanong pala sa akin kung vegetarian ako.*

*nabilhan na din ako ni relee ng macarthur at alamat ng gubat ni bob ong. mas cool.*

*hanapin si lisa montag brotman — astig sya.*

[26]

nice spring weather today, but not nice enough to outdo my sudden urge to hurl a series of profanities. damn.

3 fuckin letters.

P

M

S

yeah. valid.

i found myself in a heated semi-argument with the "semi-boss". i was dead serious that i ain’t gonna do what in hell he wanted me to do. no, siree. my blood was real kickin up that i just stared at my monitor for a while.

i started thinking.

nakakatamad bumangon

nakakatamad gumising

nakakatamad magmaneho

nakakatamad maghanap ng parking

nakakatamad magtrabaho

nakakatamad makipag-usap sa plastic [maraming plastic sa mundo ang hindi karapat-dapat irecycle pa!]

nakakatamad makipag-usap sa tao

nakakatamad gumastos

nakakatamad manood ng balitang pilipinas

nakakatamad makakita ng nagugutom

nakakatamad makadinig ng balita tungkol sa kakurakutan ng punyetang opisyal na gumagahasa sa buhay ng pinoy

nakakatamad malungkot

nakakatamad mag-isip

nakakatamad makaramdam

nakakatamad tumitig

nakakatamad tumanga

nakakatamad maging TAO.

TANGINA NAMAN.

that’s when i realized i needed advil. badly.

pasensya na, masungit.

[26]

you or the crabs i had for dinner — made the blood pressure kick up. i don’t know the real reason why, but yeah, my mind is making it up. i don’t wanna put these damn words into your mouth, just like i don’t wanna hurt. all i know is that it’s never gonna be the same again…

—i’m not okay, just so you know

[26]

23:46 | ROOM WITH CLARK | PLAYING: WAKE UP - COHEED AND CAMBRIA

THEY ARE SLEEPING ALREADY. GOT A WHOLE RACK OF SHIT ALL UP IN MY BRAIN, THINKING, THINKING, THINKING. MUST BE THE SAKE FROM LAST NIGHT, SHOTS TOO MANY. LET ME STARE AT CLARK. AT LEAST HE CARES ABOUT ME.

CLARK. HE MADE ME THINK OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME FROM THE PAST WEEK, IT WAS A WEDNESDAY, MAYBE. IN A FRUSTRATED ATTEMPT TO TAKE MY FRIEND’S MIND OFF THE WORLD’S SHIT, I GOT A FISH. IT WAS A SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH, SAME AS CLARK’S COLOR, BLUE AND RED. SOME STUPID FACTS:

1. I GOT ASTHMA, I CANNOT HAVE ANY FUR OR HAIR ON PETS. AND I DO NOT WANT TO SETTLE FOR A SNAKE OR A FURLESS PUG.

2. FISHES ARE NOT DEMANDING. JUST GIVE THEM FOOD PELLETS EVERYTIME YOU REMEMBER FEEDING THEM. CHANGE WATER TWICE A MONTH. THAT’S ABOUT IT.

3. MAYBE IM JUST A FUCKIN RETARD, BUT I THINK THEY LISTEN. FOR ONE THING, CLARK MOVES A LOT WHEN IM HAPPY, OR HE HIDES ON THE PLASTIC SEAWEED WHEN I TELL HIM IM BLOWN.

I GOT IT ON THE SAME DAY AS MY 2ND YEAR IN THIS PLACE, AND SAME DAY AS THE 2ND BABY BOY IN THE FAMILY WAS BORN [YEAH, WE WAITED 22 FREAKIN YEARS TO HAVE ANOTHER BOY]

I WAS ALL SICED THAT I WAS ALREADY THINKING OF A NAME

…
..
.

THE FISH WAS DEAD WHEN I CHECKED IT THAT MORNING. THERE HE WAS, FLOATING, FLAT. FUCK, I KILLED A FISH.

IT WAS DEPRESSING. I FELT SO STUPID. I WAS SO BLOWN AND THOUGHT OF AT LEAST 348 REASONS WHY I AM SO. DAMN IT.

WHY DID I LEAVE HIM IN THE CAR’S CUPHOLDER FOR 8 GODDAMNED HOURS? SO WHAT IF I WAS HOLDING MY PURSE, MY HEELS [I CANNOT DRIVE IN THEM STILS], CAR KEYS, IPHONE, MY MOM’S TIDE DETERGENT, A BOTTLE OF BODYWASH, AND A STARBUCKS CHICKEN BRUSCHETTA?

WHY DIDN’T I THINK IT WAS GONNA BE FREEZING AT NIGHT?

WHY WAS I DRIVING 60 ON A SCHOOL ZONE LIKE A MANIAC JUST TO GET HOME? AND MADE HIM HIGH?

WHAT IN THE WORLD GOT INTO ME WHEN IVE HAD CLARK FOR 1 YEAR AND 2 MONTHS NOW?!? RETARD.

PARDON ME FOR THE SEMI-SELF MUTILATION. I KNOW IT WAS JUST A FISH. BUT STILL, HE IS A FISH. IT WAS MELLON COLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS ON THE BELTWAY THAT MORNING.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT THE WHOLE DAY AT WORK. WHEN I GOT OFF AND WENT TO MY CAR, I TOOK HIS CUP AGAIN TO CHECK. HE.MOVED.

WOW. I WAS PUNKED BY A FISH. I WAS STUNNED AS I WAS HOLDING HIS CUP AND STARING. I DID NOT REALIZE THAT SOMEONE WAS LOOKING AT ME FROM THE WINDOW OF MY CAR, PUZZLED. IT WAS A GREAT MOMENT

I THINK I FORGOT HOW TO THINK. SO I NEED MY CAFFEINE. NOW.

di ko alam kung magkakaron ng kwenta tong blog na to pero sige lang, type lang ng type. hehe. parang batibot lang. [sige, alam kong may magrereact sa "batibot". oo na, nagmula ako sa batibotlandia. pag mulat ng mata, langit nakatawa sa batibot, sa batibot]. ano kaya… ah, kwento ko na lang ang weekend ko. masaya naman, naging produktibo. hehe.

[BYERNES]

bali maaga kong nakauwi galing trabaho. niyaya ko ang buganrang kong pinsan na samahan ako sa bowie para sunduin si laptop sa duktor. may problema din si buganrang. meron din ako, pero di naman ganun kalunos. wala sa hulog ang maneho ko, parang tanga lang. sadsad dito, sablay ang liko. kala mo bagong aral lang magmaneho… tsk tsk. buti naman ayos na yung laptop. pagod na din akong maging parasite sa kompyuter ng tatay ko e. sawa na din ako makita si kuyang nakakurbata sa geek squad. lumamon kami sa five guys ni buganrang. medyo depres. kaya pati french fry na nalaglag at dinadampot ni kuyang crew e napagtripan namen. anak ng patatas. haha. niyaya ko din si buganrang matulog sa bahay. pumayag naman. kelangan din naman namin mag-usap. na parang hindi kami nag-uusap e noh, ngahaha. para bang kulang pa ang luhang pinapadanak nya, kaya nanuod pa kami ng "all my life" dvd. salamat naman sa pagpanaw ni sam, dumanak din ang luha ko. hahaha. uminom kami ng gatas at kumain ng balut na binili ko sa twinbrook. ayos. hello high blood hehehe. di man nabawasan ang bigat, masarap din yung pakiramdam na may nalalabasan, yung may nasasandalan kapag nauupos ka na. insan, wag ka na umiyak, magiging okay din lahat. may panahon

[SABADO]

nagising ako nangangatog sa lamig. sa sahig kasi kami nakatulog ni myks. ginising ko para lumipat kami sa kwarto. mahirap din pala ang nagpapatintero sa iisang kumot :)) nag-almusal kami at nagpunta ng bangko. naisip kong kelangan talagang mag-ipon para sa kinabukasan. naks naman haha. inihatid ko sya sa bahay, at naisipan kong makitambay. para kameng nagsihithit ng sunog na tsinelas. pinatugtog namen sa speaker yung "low" ni flo rida at t-pain. tapos bumanat kameng 6 ng sayaw sa balkonahe, nakaharap sa mga taong masayang tumatakbo sa duval. hello. at dahil di ako mahilig sumayaw at makunat pa sa patpat ang katawan ko, walang warm-up, ayan napala ko hanggang ngayon ang sasakit ng mga buto buto ko. langyang buhay! minsan na lang sumayaw e! tapos napagtripan naman nameng mga adik na panuorin ang ju-on. ayos! rrrrraaaaahhhhhhhhh, sabi nung multo. nagtataka ako bakit si toshio mukang dambuhalang espasol na may makating tuhod. pero sadyang may mga sine na kahit ilang ulit ko panuorin, kahit tanghaling tapat e nasisindak ako. syet na malupet. tapos nagpunta kaming bowie kasi inatake pala ako ng katangahan kahapon, nakalimutan kong kunin yung ac adapter ng ngaptap. naman o! pero ayus din, namasyal din kameng mga buganrangs. at dun ko natagpuan si chloe isang nilalang na makakaagapay ko sa pang-araw araw na buhay. pero sa kasalukyan mangmang pa ko sa pag gamit sa kanya. chloe, oh chloe! :))

[LINGGO]

pinuyat ako ni chloe. tinanghali tuloy pag gising. pag gising ko pa, mag-aagahan sana ko, kaso nakita ko si kim atienza nakalusong sa poso negro. anak ng tae naman o! pumitas na lang ako ng saging tsk tsk. buti nakaabot sa misa. hay. pinagdasal ko si nanay eya. at madami pang ibang dasal. tapos tumawag yung kaibigan ko, imbitado pala ako sa borday ng kapatid. waw. food ito. tamang tama, nakabili na ko ng regalo ayun dumalo ako. kain kain. pitsur pitsur. tapos nawindang ako sa unang pagtatagpo namin ng inaanak ko… langya isang dambuhalang aso!!! palibhasa wala akong alam sa mga impormasyong aso, bukod sa pagpanaw ni brownie ko nung taong 1985 [wala pa kong muwang non, bwakanang school bus sinagasaan], at sa mga natatapakan kong tae nila sa maynila. sabi nung kaibigan ko e pwede daw mag70 pounds si hiro. di ko akalain na ganon pala kalaki yun. nagpanic ako. pati tuloy yung aso naghysterical, walang kaabog abog na tumahol at kumawala. pasensya na kuya. naisip ko, pag dinamba ko non, tibag ako. haha. pero good boy naman daw.  kaya nagpakalma ko, nakipaglaro muna dun sa babae, sa mas kalmado. pero antukin naman si kyra, natulog lang habang hinahagod ko, kahit na may nagigitara sa tabi walang pakialam basta natulog lang. pinitsuran ko ng pinitsuran tapos oras na ng pag-ihip ng kandila ng kambal. inunahan ni pipoy haha ang galing. inakyat si hiro. ayos panic mode na naman ako. mabait naman, nadamba nga lang, at pag lapit saken, walang humpay na pagdila ang naging hobby nya. wow. basang basa kamay ko at saka paa dahil sa pagdila nya. di ko alam kung hilig nya talaga gawin yon, o amoy kaldereta lang ako. haha. okay sa orayt. paguwi ng bahay, internet habang nanunuod ng going bulilit at that’s my doc [kung hindi nyo kasi naitatanong, mabenta kasi saken mga hirit ni roderick aka major rette]. yeyeye.

ayun lang naman.  tapos na ang batibot. paalam kuya bodjie.   

*oo nga pala, buong weekend e low ang natugtog sa utak ko. adik amputa

siguro kelangan ko bawasan ang kape.

hindi dahil amoy kape na si lex.

pero ewan ko kung yun nga ang dahilan nito.

may nararamdaman akong mabigat ngayong araw na to.

nakakalungkot.

nakakainis.

…sana maging okay na,

[26]